


Cafe Capers

by Lancre_witch



Category: Legacy of Kain
Genre: (more to be added as the series goes on), Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Ariel's relationship drama, Gen, Mild Language, as always Raziel is trans in this fic, based loosely of the author's time as a barista, brief Ariel/Nupraptor, title may change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-09-28 17:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17187113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lancre_witch/pseuds/Lancre_witch
Summary: Ariel glared at him over the top of her cup. "Kain, if you say one word about my relationships I will stab you to death with this butter knife."Or, the one where Raziel is a barista, Ariel is the snarky regular, Janos is the too good for this earth regular that the lads fall over themselves to look after, Kain is the well meaning and slightly dickish manager, and Moebius and Mortanius run a competing shop across the road.





	1. Chapter 1

The shop bell chimed as Raziel blundered in from the cold, unwrapping the scarf from around his face. He absently flipped the sign to open and dropped his bag in the area that did service, very badly, as an employee cloakroom. He pulled his hair into a messy ponytail, threw on a red barista apron, and stood by the till trying to look somewhat awake.

"Did you remember, Raziel?"

He jerked back into full consciousness at his manager's voice. "Hmm, what?"

"Did you remember to get your T?"

"We've got mixed fruit, lemon and chamomile, mint, Earl Grey..." he continued on automatic, listing the teas the cafe had on offer after having them drilled into him over a course of weeks.

"I meant your medication."

"Oh. Yes Da- damn, I am capable of looking after myself, you know."

Kain smirked. "What was that?"

Raziel was about to answer with something sarcastic when there was a cheery jangle from the doorway. Immediately, two customer service smiles slid into place and froze upon realising that somewhere under the bobble hat and seven layers of clothing was Ariel. Seeing her face, Kain quickly decided that he had some pressing matters to attend to in his office.

"You look half dead," Raziel said.

"And the rest. How much will it cost to fill a mug with coffee shots? And a shot of amaretto syrup," she added as an afterthought.

"More than my job is worth. You would die."

"Good. I'll tip heavily for a sprinkling of cyanide."

"One double strength flat white coming up."

Ariel took a seat by the bar and stared through Raziel as he prepared her drink.

"Rough night?"

"The roughest."

"And Nupraptor?"

"The cause of it. He's back in psych again. At least, now that we've found him he's back in psych again."

Raziel finished pouring her drink with a flourish and set it down beside her.

"Wait there."

He hurried down to the kitchen, almost tripping on his trailing laces and wondering for the umpteenth time why Kain decided to build the damn thing in the cellar.

"Melchiah!" he called.  He stopped.

"What in the hell did you do to your hand?"

Melchiah raised a bandaged hand. "An incident with the mincing machine. Upsell the pies, would you, my blood and tears went into them."

"Is that hygienic?"

Before Melchiah could thump him, Raziel raised the issue of why he was down there. "Do you have any misshapes lying around? Ariel's going through a rough time again."

"Is she ever not going through a rough time?"

Raziel shrugged.

"Boyfriend trouble?"

"Boyfriend trouble."

Melchiah pointed a knife at a bowl of biscuits with bits of chocolate and half set toffee stuck to odd places. "The first batch of millionaire's shortbread didn't go according to plan."

"Thanks, Mel." Raziel grabbed the bowl and hurried back upstairs.

When he got back up, Ariel was staring at her drink as if she could see the future in its surface and didn't like the look of it. He dropped the bowl down in front of her.

"Eat. You'll feel better."

"I can't feel any bloody worse."

She still hadn't moved in the time it took Raziel to make a black coffee and ferry it to Kain.

"Your drink will be going cold."

No response.

He reached over and grabbed a piece of biscuit.

"Oi!"

"You weren't eating it."

"I was going to."

Ariel grabbed a piece with the speed of a striking cobra and dunked it into her cooling drink. The taste seemed to bring her back to life. She grabbed another couple of pieces of broken shortbread, drained her cup, and offered Raziel a wan smile before setting out again into the cold.

The door jangled again, and went on jangling. Raziel hurried out from behind the bar to help Janos maneuver a cat carrier through the doorway.

"Thank you, dear. I'm sure I hate the vet's office as much as they do." Janos brushed some flakes of snow out of his hair and set the carrier down gently by his seat.

"You should wear a hat," Raziel said, already mixing up some hot chocolate.

"I wish I could. This little gremlin-" Janos gestured the sleeping cat "-decided to tear the thing to bits and eat half of it, including the buttons."

Raziel was already running through his mental list of Janos' many cats. "Will she be alright?"

"Oh, fine, fine, if a little sore." Janos rummaged in his purse. "Could I trouble Melchiah to make a tuna sandwich with some of the filling separate?"

"I'm sure I can sweet talk him into agreeing."

Raziel took the note and reappeared with ten pounds and some change. He slid it over and scribbled on the café's copy of the receipt. Janos slid it back. Raziel slid it towards him again. Janos picked it up and put it in Raziel's hand.

"It's a tip for you both," he said and patted the unresisting hand. "For being awkward."

"Janos, you are the last good man on earth."

Raziel wandered down to the kitchen, calling to Turel to watch the bar.

Melchiah took his share of the cash and washed his hands. "I'll stick some extra on a saucer for him. Get that tub of coleslaw for me. I might as well use it up."

"Are there enough crisps in this bag?"

"Let's be safe. Open another."

Several minutes later Raziel reemerged into the light of day with a plate stacked high with as much food as he and Melchiah could collectively squeeze on it.

Janos smiled and set down his knitting. "You are a darling. Help yourself to the chips dear, I could never eat all this."

A grin was halfway onto Raziel's face when one of the portafilters flew off the coffee machine, showering the surrounding area in scalding water. And with a curse and a scandalised expression from Janos, the day really began.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a challenger appears, based on the much more lovely church tearoom I know who have never impaled anyone as far as I'm aware.

"Keep an eye on things for half an hour," Kain called. "I'm going out."

Raziel looked around the empty cafe. "I believe that I can cope."

Ten minutes later and the doorbell was jangling almost nonstop.

"I can't cope," Raziel said under his breath as he desperately mixed hot chocolate with one hand while keying in an order with the other.

A high pitched middle aged voice grated along his nerves. "We've been waiting for our drinks for ten minutes. Have you lost our order?"

"It's in the queue, ma'am. If you would get. Back. To. Your. Seat," he said through gritted teeth.

He turned the coffee grinder on to mask the noise of complaining customers and sent a quick text to Turel, _"Where the hell are you?"_

His phone buzzed just as he was carrying two precariously stacked trays of drinks, causing minor spillages and another tongue lashing from an elderly woman. The message in question, when he found two spare seconds to check was a selfie with Azimuth at her new apartment.

"Traitor," Raziel growled.

*

"Traitor," Mortanius hissed as he closed his phone and glared at the full cafe across the street. "I taught that man everything he knows, and how does he repay me? As if walking out wasn't enough, he has to steal my staff too." Whoever coined the phrase 'goodwill to all men' had never come across Kain.

Moebius set a cup of tea down on his desk. "What has that frightful man done now?"

Mortanius opened up the text and passed it over. "He's got the college art group. We need that younger customer base."

"There's the church youth group," Moebius supplied doubtfully.

Mortanius glared across the road again. "Look at all those latte sipping hipsters. And he took half our regulars when Janos started that knitting group over there."

"Hold that thought." Moebius rummaged through the pile of leftover donated clothes. They had been left last week in a bin bag and he privately suspected that the donor had intended to leave them for the rubbish collection.

*

The rush had abated somewhat when an elderly man shuffled into the cafe in a grubby overcoat with about half its buttons still intact. "Excuse me, young sir," he quavered, "could I trouble you for a glass of water?"

"Take a seat and I'll get it to you shortly."

'Shortly' turned out to be a couple of minutes with a customer who didn't understand the concept of two different drink sizes. It was enough time for him to gravitate towards Janos as wise, or at least affection starved, people tended to. Raziel decided to leave the glass on the table rather than interrupt their involved debate on the merits of eyelash yarn.

"I used it as a border on my mittens. Give me a moment." Janos rummaged in his coat pocket. "If you knit with it and count your stitches carefully it's not so- oh. Oh well, I'm sure he'll be back soon."

Janos finished his drink and looked over at the overcoat still lying on the seat. He waved it in the direction of the bar.

"Did anyone see where that gentleman went? I only looked away for a second."

Raziel, Rahab and Dumah exchanged looks.

"I'll see if he went out for a smoke," Dumah volunteered.

"Did you hear the bell ring?"

"No."

"Come to that, how didn't we see him? We can see everything from here." Raziel looked around. "And don't tell me Rahab's vanished now too."

"He's not here," Rahab called from upstairs.

Dumah stuck his head out the door. "Nope."

Raziel looked from the coat to the door and back again. "Did we just get visited by a sodding wizard?"

*

Moebius set his glass down across from Mortanius in the still empty tearoom. "I have good news."

"You're planning to bankrupt them by stealing their cups? That glass is not one of ours."

"It's a thought, but no. I had a word with Janos Audron, and purely by coincidence the library knitting group closed down recently. I suggested a little place I know, promised that I would have a word with the manager." He produced a scrap of paper with a scribbled email address on it and smiled like a snake. "I suggest Monday at twelve. See what you can do, hmm?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said this wasn't going to be a no conflict, fluffy AU. Herein begins Ariel's relationship drama.  
> (Maybelle belongs to @lynnora-v, whose tumblr and especially art I encourage everyone to check out)

Sometimes Raziel forgot that Kain had known him before he transitioned. Sometimes Kain reminded him by placing his foot firmly in his mouth.

"Say that again slowly," Raziel growled.

"Would you be willing to work Ladies' Night this month... oh."

"Yes, oh."

"You won't make an exception? We're so short staffed."

"No."

"Fine, I'll think of something."

*

The dialling tone was finally replaced by Umah's voice. Kain didn't wait for her to finish.

"Umah, please, I need you help."

"...I'm not available at the moment..."

"I don't have time for this, please."

"... please leave a message after the tone."

"Damn!"

*

Kain caught up to DeJoule half way through her early morning run. "Good morning," he wheezed. "I wondered if... you would... be interested in working..."

She overtook him without any apparent effort.

"...tomorrow evening," he finished to her retreating back.

*

"Mae?"

"Sorry, I've got a paper due."

Kain looked over his meagre list of contacts and sighed. He needed a miracle. Or, maybe, he needed to bribe someone.

*

"Kain, you're going to owe me for this," Ariel muttered as Melchiah talked on.

"...so the cakes are under covers at the moment. Have someone take them up after the plates have been cleared away. I don't want to meet a sink full of washing up when I come in tomorrow. And see what you think of the curry." He waved a spoonful at her.

"Too hot?" he asked to empty air.

Ariel was at the other end of the kitchen with her mouth under the cold tap.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'."

He splashed some milk over the potatoes and poured the remainder into a glass. He set it down beside her and patted her back awkwardly.

Ariel squinted at him through tears, downed the milk, and gasped. "I can't feel my tongue."

"I'm so sorry. Will you be alright?"

"I'll have to be. I used to barist for my uncle's church group. Thirty odd inebriated women are small fry in comparison."

"Right. Everything on the hob is keeping warm, give it a stir every so often to stop it sticking. Good luck," he called on his way out the door.

Ariel picked up his discarded apron and checked her phone again. Still nothing. Three hours after he said he would call and nothing. She dropped it on the counter in disgust. There wasn't any time for that now. The bar was opening in five minutes and she had to be behind it.

An hour passed in a flurry of drinks and greetings. Ariel threw herself into it, replacing runaway thoughts with rushing feet.

From across the room Azimuth's laugh became a shriek as Umah picked her chair up with her in it. A couple of boozy cheers followed.

"Steady on, ladies!" Ariel called.

"That's no lady, that's my sister!"

The half-witticism garnered a handful of laughs and groans. Ariel rolled her eyes.

"Is there anyone here sober enough to help me with the trestle tables?"

Jah'ay'lah and Ak'ash'grah were eventually volunteered for the complex topological manoeuvres of opening out a couple of folding tables while DeJoule helped Ariel ferry the food up from the kitchen. Everything was, startlingly, going according to plan.

Ariel helped herself to a bowl of soup from the rickety table and sighed. Until it was time for dessert she had some breathing space.

She reached into her pocket.

She patted across her skirt.

"Hmmph."

Ariel found her phone in the kitchen, half hidden by a tray of brownies. It buzzed as she picked it up. Six missed calls, four new messages. She opened the first.

Umah found her in the stairwell ten minutes later.

Ariel raised her tear stained face as she sat down next to her, then buried her face in Umah's shoulder. Umah rummaged in her pocket for a spare tissue to replace the soggy fluff Ariel's had dissolved into.

She stroked her hair and waited for her breathing to settle.

"Do you want to talk?"

Ariel waved her mobile at her vaguely. Umah tried to focus on the text conversation wobbling in front of her before giving up and steadying her friend's hand. A few seconds of furious reading later she dropped it.

"The bastard!" Umah shot her an apologetic look and lowered her voice from a shout. "After all you've done for him! How could he?"

Ariel blew her nose. "You always did say I could do better. Suppose I'm going to find out." She sniffed and tried to smile. "Well, this isn't getting dessert ready, is it?"

She tried to get up. Umah pulled her back down.

"I'll sort out dessert. Scarlett can make drinks - at least, she can make the alcoholic drinks. You're going to sit down with some good food and some good friends. We'll get you through this, you'll see."

*

Melchiah was pleasantly surprised to find the floor swept and the tables clean when he came in the next morning. The kitchen was about halfway there. The work surfaces were still wet from scrubbing, the leftover food was tubbed up ready to be taken home, and a mountain of dirty dishes almost obscured the sink.

Not dirty. he realised. They'd been left to dry, as if the person doing the washing had never heard of a tea towel. Most of them were still sopping wet. If he didn't know they shut at ten, he'd have thought that they had only just been stacked.

Only just been stacked...

He hadn't had to turn the lights on this morning.

Melchiah ran back upstairs. He looked around again carefully. Clean floor, chairs tucked in, blanket covered lump on a sofa. On closer inspection it turned out to be Ariel and Umah. He tucked the blanket back over Umah's shoulder and retreated quietly.

"Unf?" Umah awoke in a very small, uncomfortable bed under unusually heavy eiderdown. She woke up slightly more and remembered she was on a sofa underneath Ariel.

When she tried to move, Ariel mumbled something in her sleep and snuggled closer. In a bed that wouldn't have been a problem. On a small couch it almost caused her to roll off and catapulted her into consciousness.

"Ugh, what time is it?"

"Too early."

"Twenty to nine." Melchiah put a couple of plates down on the table. "Breakfast is on the house, if you want a drink make it yourself, and I'm guessing it's Umah who doesn't know how to dry pots."

"Give it a break Mel. We didn't get finished 'til gone four."

"How in the hell did it take you that long?"

Ariel poked a mushroom distractedly. "Some of the girls stayed on to help out of sympathy. Well, help is a bit strong, but they were company.

A tinny little tune started playing and all three started patting their pockets. Ariel pulled out her phone and saw the name Nupraptor flashing on the screen. She dropped it and started rummaging for a tissue.

"May I?" Umah asked over the ringtone.

Ariel shrugged and blew her nose.

"Right." She pressed answer and listened for a few seconds. "...No, it's Umah... Yes, 'Oh'... No, you listen to me you ungrateful bastard..."

Melchiah and Ariel sat in silence as Umah strode about the empty cafe snarling at a piece of metal and plastic.

"Dare I ask what happened last night?" Melchiah whispered.

Ariel sighed. "You'd find out soon enough anyway. I'll make us a cuppa."

She managed to start up the coffee machine and make a pot of tea without any disasters. Ariel passed him a cup and sat back down.

"Nupraptor and I... we've been going through a rough patch." She poured some milk into her cup and stared at it speculatively. "Looking back, our entire relationship has been a rough patch. Never think you can change a man, Mel." She shook her teaspoon at him. "Never let them tell you their problems are your fault."

Melchiah nodded sympathetically, but Ariel didn't see. Her eyes were on her tea, but she wasn't looking outside her own head.

"Funny, when we were in college and he said he'd die if he couldn't have me it seemed like the most romantic thing in the world. What's it they say about rose tinted glasses and red flags?" She snorted bitterly and fell silent as Umah's ranting drew closer again.

"...and if I see you come anywhere near her I'll tear your bollocks off and shove them down your throat." Umah ended the call and smiled brightly. "He shouldn't call you again. Let me know if-"

She spun around when she heard the chuckle behind her. "Don't test me, Kain. Not today."

Kain shrugged and hung up the leather jacket that was his only concession to the cold. "Now what could have got you in such a mood at this time of the day? News travels so quickly in this town. Have my opinions on Nupraptor finally been proven justified?"

Ariel glared at him over the top of her cup. "Kain, if you say one word about my relationships I will stab you to death with this butter knife."

"Such a friendly crowd today. How did last night go?"

"It went," she said shortly. "And I'm going."

Umah picked up the last piece of toast and followed her out the door.

"Well, that went well," Kain said to the empty cafe and Melchiah's rapidly retreating back.


End file.
